I Get It From My Mom: Authentic Conversations Between a Mother and Her Daughters on Parenting and Growing Up

Teen School Stress: How to Support (Not Smother) Your Kids Through Studying and Academic Pressure

• Elissa, Ava & Maggie Klein • Season 1 • Episode 10

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From kindergarten applications to college essays, academic pressure starts early and only gets more intense. In this episode of I Get It From My Mom, Elissa, Ava, and Maggie get real about the emotional roller coaster of school stress. From NYC’s test-in school system to AP classes, SAT anxiety, and "study hacks" that don’t always hack it, they break down what students are really dealing with and how parents can help without hovering.

🎓 What you’ll learn:
 ✔️ How early academic pressure is impacting kids’ mental health
 ✔️ Study strategies that actually work (and which don’t)
 ✔️ A real-time look at how different learning styles play out
 ✔️ What to say—and not say—to your kid before a big test
✔️ How to balance support vs. smothering (we’re looking at you, car ride quizzes)

Whether you’re a parent trying to be a safe space, or a student who just wants a break from the pressure, this episode is for you.

✨ Share your best study tip or school stress moment with us on Instagram at @i.get.it.from.mymom. And if you found this helpful, like, follow and share this episode and others from this podcast with other parents and kids who will benefit.

Welcome back to, I Get It from my mom, where we talk about all the stuff moms and daughters should be talking about, but with more honesty, more perspective, and a little bit of humor. I'm Alyssa navigating everything from academic pressure to emotional check-ins with my two daughters. I'm Ava. I just finished my freshman year of college with a sometimes challenging workload, difficult grading parameters and hard tests. And I'm Maggie, a high school sophomore at NYC and trying to keep my grades up while still finding time for my friends and family. Today we're diving into a topic that's been on every family's mind. School stress from homework battles, and test anxiety to the constant race for AP classes, good grades and perfect college applications. The pressure is real. So how do we as parents and kids manage the stress without losing our minds or each other? Let's get into it. Let's talk about when it all begins. Because school pressure, it doesn't wait until high school these days. It starts as early as pre-K, especially in places like New York City where getting into kindergarten can feel like applying to an Ivy League. It's true. I think I even was testing into a gifted program or a gifted school when I was like four years old. I didn't even know how to tie my shoes. I probably had no idea what I was doing. Yeah. I remember feeling like every report card, every comment from a teacher mattered right from the start. Well, it's true from specialized testing to constant comparisons, it's a lot. The National Institute of Mental Health says that one in three adolescents age 13 to 18 will experience an anxiety disorder. And not surprisingly, academic pressure is one of the biggest culprits. No, I mean, it's true. I feel like even in elementary school we had like easily almost an hour of homework every night. Yeah. And you chose a charter school for us because of its amount of rigor and high standards, but frankly it was a lot. Yeah. I mean, we had these like reading logs every night. We had to do minute math every night. I remember how much that used to stress me out that I would try to do like. 20 math questions in 60 seconds. And if I didn't get them all, I was so upset, And originally you would read to us and then now, then we had to start reading to ourselves and log in every single night. I mean, I think it might've made me hate reading, quite honestly. And we had big homework packets over holiday breaks. I remember not even knowing kids didn't get summer homework or homework over winter break because we already got so much. after camp coming back from sleep with camp, there was only so many days to do so much math and reading that we had to do Yeah, and I mean the elementary and middle school we went to, they had a lot of pressure for the big tests and we prepped for the state tests for months. Like I remember when I was in fifth grade, I didn't even prep anymore because I had been doing it so many years. They just sat me in a room and I was reading, because we have been doing the state test prep for like five years. Okay. So maybe it wasn't the easiest of environments you started out in, but I also think there was some value to you being exposed very early on to homework and high standards and the pressure of practicing and studying for tests better then than it to be a shock later on. I am so less overwhelmed for tests. I use the same strategies for multiple, multiple choice that they taught us for big, like writing assignments for state tests still in New York, or even just any ELA tests. The writing short answers in short amount of time that still have evidence and conclusions and claims has really helped me through high school to continue taking tests later on. Yeah, I feel like I still use a lot of the slashes and the magic maybes on tests and stuff like that, but honestly, I feel like being in college now, those techniques might not work as well anymore and might not actually help me while I'm taking tests, which can be frustrating because it's so engraved in my brain from doing it in years in elementary school and middle school. Well, to that point, you know, by high school. Everything ramps up. It's no longer just do your homework now. It's APS and GPA we waitings and SAT prep and a CT strategy and have extracurriculars and make sure you have leadership positions and try to do some community service. It's a lot. Basically, teenagers are expected to have like full resumes by the time you're 14. Yeah, and I mean, it starts even earlier in New York City, we had to test into middle school and test into high school. I mean, we literally took something called an S-H-S-A-T, which is an SAT for middle schoolers, which is ridiculous. Like I was in fourth grade studying for the ELA and math test just to maybe get into a good middle school. Well, you both ended up in academically rigorous schools with really bright kids from all over the city. And I think that's something people outside of New York don't always understand. The public school system here isn't zoned based on your neighborhood is often how you earn your way. And once you're there, it's intense. Everyone's smart, everyone's talented. Suddenly you're not the top student anymore. You're just one of a hundred kids trying to shine. And that brings us to the elephant in every high school classroom, college, it's this looming constant topic. Parents talk about it, teachers bring it up, friends over it. Even when you're not actively thinking about it, someone is, I mean, it's true. Every conversation I had during my junior and senior year was basically, what'd you get on your SAT? What schools are you applying to? Did you ed somewhere? Did you get in? Like, I mean, if you don't wanna talk about it, you feel weird, but if you do talk about it, you feel judged. There's kinda. No way to avoid the topic for a full two years of high school. And it starts even, and it starts even earlier now I'm a sophomore and people are already asking, where do you wanna go? What are you looking, what do you wanna study? And it's like, I don't even know at this point. No, and and it makes sense. You know, I, again, I'm trying to look at studies and add to the conversation here. So there was a recent Sanford study that showed over 40% of college applicants experience, severe anxiety related to admissions. And if you take that to a place where it's already competitive and you back it up more and more years these days, you know, it's a lot. And I know in the last episode we talked about social media. How do you think social media plays into their pressure? I think it 100% makes it worse. I mean, you see kids posting their acceptance videos to their dream schools or videos titled, come Spend a Day with me in Michigan. And I'm kind of just sitting here like, cool, I got a C in physics and I'm struggling to write my history paper, but yay, go blue. Like it's a little. Intimidating. Yeah. And even just seeing people's study routines or productive day in my life videos, it makes you feel like you're so behind. So what do you wish teachers or parents better understood about the pressure you're under? I wish people understood that we're not lazy. We're just tired mentally and emotionally. We're juggling school clubs, homework, family, friends, social media, figuring out our future and trying not to melt down. It's a lot. Also, I wish people realized that college isn't the only thing we think about, but it feels like the world is obsessed with it. I feel like the, for the last two years, every dinner conversation, every family gathering was about AVA and applications and getting into college, and now that attention is pivoting to me, get ready, max. I get it. I've tried hard as a parent not to make your college list a central topic at dinner. Frankly. I remember growing up and. As I was like the third of cousins and no, I was the fourth of cousins, three ahead of me, and then there were more behind me. And so you were talking for years. Every family conversation was going on about college and the next one. And who are you going to? What's this pressure? And doing the applications, and it's hard because we care and we want you to succeed, but we forget that constant pressure makes you feel like you're always. Being graded even at home, which isn't the intent. Yeah. I feel like what helps most is just feeling like we're supported no matter what. Whether you're going to an Ivy State International or just a different route, just knowing. Loved and accepted, not what school name is on a sweatshirt. Especially when college acceptances can be so unpredictable these days. It's like hard to have a dream school you wanna go to so bad, but not really know what your chances are anymore. Yeah, no, absolutely. I think that's the real lesson for parents listening. Right. Be the safe place. Stress is already out there. We don't have to add to it. That said, studying for school, whether it's for college or in college or the years before, it is just part of growing up. So let's shift to how we learn, because not all kids are wired the same way, and yet most schools expect everyone to fit the same mold. I mean, yeah, I feel like for me, I've always been someone who I get my work done like a week before it's due. If it was assigned on Friday and due the next Friday, it's probably done by Saturday night because just having it not done is giving me anxiety. But sometimes, you know, last minute things creep up on me and I don't even realize, especially in college, with so much work and so many classes and so many dates to keep track of, especially when no one is. Looking over you and reminding you of any of those things? I think I'm the same, but also kind of opposite. I may leave more assignments last minute and do things where it feels like I'm under a pressure, but I also plan everything ahead. I keep all dates of tests or assignments written down. I know when anything's going to be due. I just, I know myself and I know how I work, so if I leave it to the last minute, I usually know I can finish it in that time. Well, it's good that you have structure and plans, but let's, talk about what actually works when it comes to really studying, because I did do some digging and science has a few things to say. Ready? Yay. Science. So first research, the shows that's spacing out your studying over several days or weeks is way better than cramming. So instead of reviewing everything the night before or the few days before, if you go over material a little bit each day, your brain actually holds onto it longer. I think that makes sense, but it's hard to find the time each day. And we also don't know how far in advance a test is. Usually if a test is on Thursday, I learned that Monday, and we don't finish the material for the test until Tuesday. Like in high school tests really do catch up on you and. It depends when the teacher finishes lessons, when the whole unit's over, and then the time between that and the test that you have to study. You can't always go weeks in advance'cause you don't even know weeks in advance, weeks in advance. You have a different test going on. Yeah, I feel like Maggie's right. High school is totally like that. And I actually think it's interesting because now being in college, you know every date for everything the day that class starts, because it's all on the syllabus. And if you don't check the syllabus, you're not gonna know when your tests are. So I actually feel like this is true because this year for the first time, I was able to slowly study and learn the material way before exams happen. And it really does help a lot. But I mean, Maggie is right. You don't really always get that option in high school because it could be like. Next test is on Friday and you're kind of like, oh, I don't even remember what I learned last week. And that can be stressful when you don't have the time to prepare. I feel like even if things are planned out, I mean, I had a teacher last year who would do tests every Wednesday just'cause that's how she worked. I mean, they would be short quizzes, but it would be every Wednesday and you'd be prepared. But every Wednesday was on a different thing and you didn't learn what was for that test until the week in advance. It's really hard. I mean, in college it's clearly easier, but in high school it's hard to study in advance to keep all the material for like to have it in your brain before. It's hard to do that. Okay. So clearly it's when you do have the time, what we're saying or science is saying is it's better to build your knowledge slower than to try to shove it on to that pretty little brain of yours last minute, right? So every week, review the materials you had, try to talk them out loud, those type of things. So it starts building that longer term memory. Okay, second strategy, active recall. That means quizzing yourself instead of just rereading your notes or just highlighting everything. So like flashcards, they definitely help me remember, especially for things like vocabulary words or like terms for even like a science or a history. Just like having to hear a word and then remember and think of how to remember it for the test helps me. So then. When I read it on a test or a question, I know what it means. Yeah. Flashcards are absolutely one mech, absolutely one mechanism I think. Or writing down everything you remember without even looking, and then check what you missed. Yeah, I mean, I have kind of a weird study tactic that helps me, that I've learned through. Years of school, and you're right, it's writing down everything I can remember, but it's also recording myself, reading my notes out loud so that I can listen to myself saying them throughout the week leading up to the test. Because for some reason just hearing my own voice explain it to myself has helped me. So I kind of think that there's a little bit of like a learning curve there.'cause I know Maggie, like she was saying, works really well with flashcards. Never helped me. I mean, every time I tried to use flashcards, the knowledge would go in one ear and out the other, and I think everyone just has to kind of. Find their niche thing that works for them. It probably went in one eye and out the other'cause the flashcards couldn't talk to you. But, um, right. Well, and I think the point is they're saying take it a step farther. Not only write down your notes and then hear them back to yourself or reread them, but then put it all away and recreate them. All right. The next one is. Don't multitask while studying. So flipping between TikTok and texts and your notes means you won't actually retain anything. So music while studying isn't suggested, well, I think they're saying if it's instrumental or kinda low stimulation music, but not. You know, necessarily the stuff you regularly listen to. I mean, I will say when I do regular homework, I do tend to have TV or background noise on because it helps me focus for some reason. But the truth of the matter is when I'm actually studying and like really trying to retain the information for a test, I do need silence. I actually often put on a movie that I've seen like a million times in the background. And it's always like on my iPad in the top corner.'cause something about hearing it and being able to like say the words in my head helps me then do work at the same time. Is that for studying too or for work? I kind of do it for both. Like if I'm, but if I'm like writing along things, even if it is like a final assignment,. I have a movie on like when I'm like taking flashcards, I don't,'cause then I need to focus on it. But if I'm like doing work on my iPad, I will have a movie in the top corner.'cause it helps me when I know it focused well. I mean, I think everyone's a little different. I even kind of realized about myself that I can get easily distracted. Even just being in the library at school, like if I ever studied at the library or studied out of my dorm, I had to be. Somewhere I was isolated, like sitting at my own booth. I can't see the kids around me versus sitting near the Starbucks in the library where everyone's walking around and whatnot. Like I was immediately distracted. And I think you kind of just again, find what works for you. Yeah, it's a little bit of travel there. People distract me more than sounds. That's so interesting. Again, I think it's like a social media thing.'cause you know, I always studied best in college, like in the library, but far away. Go find a random corner, the stacks of the fifth floor's. But the last thing I ever was good at was studying in my room. And again, next study. You know your study space accounts, having consistent spot does help your brain associate that place with focus. But that shouldn't be your bed girls because that space should be focused on it is my not studying. And yet both of you tend to do all your work in your bed. Hey, I studied in the commons. In a corner. Mm-hmm. Thank you very much. And finally, sleep is not optional. Memory consolidation happens when you sleep. So if you're staying up all night studying, you're actually going to retain less. I guess that one goes hand in hand with without creme and the night before too. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I, I actually will say this is totally true. Because coming from high school where, you know, you kind of have to wake up at like I, I mean personally, I had to wake up at six 30 every morning and I probably didn't fall asleep until 11. I got maybe seven hours of sleep. Versus being in college, I get nine, 10 hours every night. It is so much easier to focus and study and get work done when you actually get sleep. And while that might not always be. A choice in high school. It's just the point that this is definitely true because when I have the option to sleep, it's much easier to focus completely alright, so let's do a rapid fire round. I'll say a study technique and you tell me how you feel about it. Okay, so the Pomodoro method, it says Study for 25 minutes, or do work for 25 minutes and then take a five minute break. Personally don't love it because when I take that five minute break, it turns into a 15 minute break. I need to get it all done at once or I won't focus. I was gonna say the same. If I take a break, then I kind of stay in the break for longer than I have to. Okay. So we're not doing pomodoro like a sauce, which is I think a beautiful, lovely tomato sauce as well. Yeah. Okay. Um, which we all will sign up for that one we have no problem with. Okay. Next one. How about study groups? I think it depends on the groups. When it's made up of too many of your friends, it gets distracting, but also when it's made up of no one you're really like, can be talkative or comfortable with, it gets hard to really get in the zone. Okay. How about teaching the material to someone else? 100% it's the same thing as me recording myself, reading my own notes and teaching it to me. I think if you're able to teach the material to someone else, that's how you know you actually understand it. Okay. How about color coding your notes? Yes. I mean, even my flashcards, I use different colored pens to write the definition and examples and whatever. Like being able to flip over a card and see where I have to go, know where I have to look. I wish I was one of those colored notes persons. I, I've tried to be, but the truth is when I spend more time focusing on the color, I actually am not really paying attention to the information. So I need a pencil and paper, unfortunately. I prefer colored study guide notes is I don't keep up in class that much. Yeah. People have fancy notes. Like, I applaud you if you can keep that up. But the second I do that, I am. More worried about the esthetic? Yeah, more worried about how looks, mines are just random writing, but for study, for like studying, I like a color coded to know where I have to see. Okay. And I know each of you have some assignments that are online. Do you use any apps to help you with studying, like Quizlet or study apps or Notion? I use Quizlet a lot in high school. Um, but I feel like not as much now really. But I think it's kind of on a case by case basis, but truthfully, if I need help explaining a concept to me in something, in the courses that I'm taking in school, cha GBT can be quite helpful being like, explain to me why consumers are buying this product or whatever. You get the point. I can't think of a good example. I don't really use Quizlet, but my like chemistry teacher has started posting flashcards on Quizlet. But I actually prefer writing my own'cause I do do think that writing helps with the memory. And kinda like Ava said, I think cha GBT is really helpful. I had a test and I was like studying, I was just like refreshing my memory, like going to school on the bus. And I made cha GBT give me like example questions and it was for math and I had to say the formula I needed to use to solve it. So if I read a similar question, I would know which one I needed to immediately remember to then plug all the numbers in and figure it out. I will say the good thing about Quizlet, especially in high school that I found is since most high school students are taking the same courses, like every AP Statistics course is gonna have the same content, you can see what other people have created for themselves, like their own study guides, their own note cards, and that can be so unbelievably helpful, especially for someone I personally don't like creating that kind of stuff. I'd rather just. Have all that information in front of me and then study how I want to. It can be so helpful to find extra study tactics, whatever it is, especially before an AP exam. Quizlet really helps in high school. Okay, great. So let's say you've done all the right studying with all your techniques and you did them in the right place and you color coded them or not the way you needed to, and you read it back to yourself and you got your sleep. You spaced it out, you used flashcards, you didn't cram. Now it's test day. Let's talk about how to start the day so your brain actually shows up when you do. Yeah, I mean, I gotta admit, I'm not the best test taker. I've taken many tests where I felt like I knew the material and I did what I had to do, and the second I sit down, it flies right outta there. Okay, so first sleep. We talked about it that if you studied until midnight and only get a few hours of sleep, you'd forget a good chunk of what you learned. Um, but next up, breakfast, not just coffee or granola bar. Real food studies show that eating a balance breakfast with protein and complex carbs can improve focus. So eggs and toast, or yogurt with fruit and granola. So not my iced chai and Starbucks chocolate croissant. Not exactly. Your brain needs fuel, not just caffeine and sugar. That crash mid test otherwise could happen. It's real. I think that's also hard in school though. I think a big part of it is having classes before the test. Like you have school and you have a test fifth period, but you have so many classes beforehand and you're not allowed to study in those classes. It really can get overwhelming. But I try to run things through my head throughout the day, like when I'm just sitting in a class and we're not really doing anything, I try and remember my flashcards if I can, if I have lunch before I try and look over them. Especially like vocab and formulas are key concepts just to keep them in my head, so. I know the basics of what I need to do, and it's more just about applying it to the problem. No, and that's a great tip. Light review is fine in the morning or in the classes before, but you don't want to overwhelm yourself. Trying to cram it in the car or the hallway or the bus. You're not learning anything new in the moment. You just kind of wanna keep your brain awake and active. I feel like my issue is that my brain is too awake and active. I definitely get really bad test anxiety. My heart's racing, everyone sitting up and walking around me, and especially in college, those lecture halls are so hard to not feel anxious when everyone is finishing the test before you and getting up. There's TAs walking all around and staring over your shoulders like it's all so stressful. No, absolutely. And it's totally normal. I think so many people have test anxiety. Um, so here's some things everyone can try when you do have test anxiety first. Deep breathing before the test starts. Breathe in for four, hold it for four, breathe out for four. Try to keep doing that. It calms your nerves. Good old box breathing, good old box breathing. The second thing is don't obsess over what others are doing. And we always talk about this. Eyes are in your paper. If you need longer, the class, the test is longer do it. If people are getting up before you, when they're done, who cares? Easier said than done. I understand. But that's, you know, the tip. The other thing is if your mind goes blank, skip the question, come back, move forward. Another question will jog your memory about that one, when you can picture what your notes were or what your flashcards were. So your brain needs time to reset, to focus. Once you're in the zone, I know that tests become easier. It's often that anticipation. I feel like I like having something in my hand to play with. Even like the pen or pencil I'm using, I will always be the person in class clicking it nonstop. Or if I have a pencil, like spinning it around in my hand or constantly just like erasing my paper just so I can do something with my hands. I feel like it helps me think in some weird way. But also if I am stuck on a question, I try and stay focused in that question and not let my mind wander. So I like to distract myself with something while thinking of the problem. And I, I will say, I think that something that gets even more stressful in college, especially nowadays, is there are a lot of exams that everyone's on their computer. It can be. Obviously stressful to see people standing up and finishing a test, whatever before you, it's even more stressful when you're taking a text test, sorry. And all you're hearing is everyone typing away on their keyboards also taking their test. But it's 300 other kids around you. It can be hard to zone that out and actually stay focused when you're looking at your screen. Yeah. And unfortunately, I'm sure you're not a allowed to wear headphones'cause then they could be reading your pretty little voice back to you. Yeah. Okay. So for parents. What's our job during, during the morning of the test, right? We wanna keep it calm. We don't wanna quiz you in the car and say You studied right? Do you know this? Well, you wanna hear from us that we love you. We believe in you. We're proud of you no matter what, and we know you did. You'll do your best. Yeah. No one needs to be questioned at 7 45 in the morning of, if we studied correctly, if we looked over everything. We know what we need to do and we tend to do it. And if we don't, that does fall on us. It's not that it's not your responsibility, but we don't want extra pressures of us when we already have a test that we're stressing for. Yeah. And I know with Ava in college, when I know she has a test that day, I usually just send the text that says, I love you, do your best. Don't stress, which I'm sure makes easier said than done. Okay. So the formula for test morning, I think if we recap is get some sleep. Have some real food. If you can try to calm your mind. Do some light mental review, but not overly cram. Right. And try to, for parents to have a supportive send off, right? Or think about how much your parents support you. And that can be a winning routine. And you know what? They don't always go well, but if it doesn't, it's one test. One moment doesn't define your future. It's about preparation and knowing that your value isn't measured in points or percentages, but obviously you want the result of it to reflect the effort you put in. And that's, I think when it's always hard. When you feel like you really studied hard and put in the effort and you just still don't do well, that's when it's time to say, okay, what else? And more could be done. Definitely. Okay, so we have to acknowledge that every kid is different. Some thrive with structure, some need movement breaks, visuals. Not every kid is gonna be the straight a AP track student, That's okay. Some people are better in creative environments, some hands-on, and some just don't perform well under test conditions. And some students is have learning DI differences and they need extra help that don't always get caught early enough or even supported as well as they need to be. And parents, let's be honest, we're part of the problem and the solution. We want our kids to succeed, but we also need to be their safe space. Yeah. I mean, truthfully, I feel like there's been a lot of times that I've just needed to vent and complain about being stressed, about studying or stressed about the grading or a professor and. You know, the truth is I don't really need you saying, have you studied or what are you gonna do for the next one? Right in that moment, sometimes it's just, oh, well, and sometimes I want help, but only the kind I ask for is sometimes I want you to sit with me the night before and look over flashcards and I will ask for that. But there's a fine line between support. And smothering us with questions and trying to help, but not actually succeeding. And you know, I love to toe that line between helping and hovering. So, well, very good at giving advice on this one. Not necessarily good at taking it myself. Okay, so here's what I've learned, right? Ask things like, what's your plan? Instead of saying, why aren't you studying? Or maybe don't ask at all. Offer help, but don't assume you actually need it or we'll take it. Celebrate your effort, not just your grades. Right? And most importantly, I should show you that I trust you to figure it out on your own, and you'll seek the help when you need to. And I don't need you to quiz me every night, but sometimes that support is really needed. Okay, so I learned I can't do the learning for you, but I can support your routine, create space, and ask the right questions. That's really all we want, you know, that and a 95 of my finals. Please, please, please, please. Yeah, keep dreaming. Okay, so here's what we've learned. School stresses real, but it's definitely not unbeatable. Each kid is different. You both have told us how you study and think differently, and every path looks different. And we can all be a little more compassionate to each other and to ourselves when it comes to tests and school stress. And kids, talk to your parents. Tell them what you need or don't need, and ask for space when it helps. And parents, try not to judge. Just listen. Ask good questions. Remind us. We don't have to be perfect to make you proud. Yep. And if you're feeling overwhelmed by the pressure, just know you're not alone clearly. Right. Whether you're cramming for a test or parenting through a pile of permission slips, we're all just trying to do our best. And with that, leave a comment and say, what's been your hardest school moment Or your best study tip. We're clearly collecting them and don't forget to like, follow, share, and subscribe because the one thing we know for sure, we all get something from our moms.